I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
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We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
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I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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