She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
