If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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