Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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