i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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