u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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