Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
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she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
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First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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