I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
