Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
