You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
BRING THE BAGELS
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
