I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
