I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
