how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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