Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
