i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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