I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
