if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
