my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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