also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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