my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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