I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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