would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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