So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
