I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
this is an emotional support booty call
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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