thus making me awesome and them whores
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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