just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
