my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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