I just saw a hot homeless man
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
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Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
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She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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