Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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