i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
