Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
