I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
