$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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