the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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