So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
