The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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