Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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