I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
