its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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