Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
