you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
