That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
be right there i have to get my cape
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
