can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
