My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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