She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
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Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
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Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..