Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful