Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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