I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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