omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
