Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
