I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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