i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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