I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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