There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Even my vagina gasped.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
