No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
So squirting runs in the family.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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